After installing voice recognition software in his computer, a 36 year old single man spent the rest of the evening teaching it rudimentary curse words. This came after 20 minutes of trying to the get computer to type out crazy words and throwing local colloquialisms at it.
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God issued a statement apologizing for forgetting to bless America on 9/11/01.
God’s critics were quick to point out that this isn’t the first lapse in God’s unconditional love. He’s failure to protect the Jews during World War II, the slaves for much of America’s existence and John Lennon, are just a few examples of when he fell asleep at the wheel.
Religious leaders were dismayed at the sudden apology. This contradicts their “reasons only known to God” dogma that they issue to their followers after any tragedy. An emergency council of religious leaders is being put together to put the proper ambiguity in God’s press release. When asked if the leaders are concerned with God’s wrath, one of the leaders responded, “If he missed the massacre of 6 millions Jews, I don’t think he’ll notice 20 guys gathered at the 4 Seasons.”
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Republican congressman Joe Wilson successfully secured his 15 minutes of fame during President Obama’s addressing of congress. Experts consider this to be a risky move but so far it has proved to be successful. The public is now more concerned about what happens to him and his apology rather than discussing health care reform in America. The congressman will most likely closeout his 15 minutes of fame by appearing on multiple Fox News shows.
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Source: CNN
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Milwaukee police unveiled that newest serial killer to hail from Wisconsin. It is unknown if the accused killer will reach the same celebrity status of Ed Gein or Jeffrey Dahmer as he only killed them. Unless new evidence is released showing that he practiced cannibalism or used their body parts in bizarre rituals, he will most likely come in third when it comes to Wisconsin serial killers and will soon fade from the public’s interest.
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Source: Fox news
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The world renowned expert on isolationism will be traveling the world lecturing about the effectiveness of isolationism. He hopes this will garner more interest in isolationism than his web site. He’s also excited about the upcoming release of his manifesto in 6 different languages. “Finally the world will know the glory of isolationism,” stated the author during his podcast.
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Missing from the manual is the prayer for hoping an alter boy doesn’t report you to the authorities for pedophilia.
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Source: Daily Mail UK
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Today, a local radio DJ compared President Obama to a common street hoodlum. “At least the black man in the ski mask tells you when you’ve been robbed,” spouted the radio host, “Obama doesn’t even have the cojones to tell us upfront that he’s going to steal from us.” The host hopes that by using the spanish slang for male testicles that he’ll garner support from those illegals that he publicly hates, but privately employs to mow his lawn.
Within hours at golf courses and tennis courts in the the stations broadcast range, rich white people parroted the vitriolic hate speech they all heard earlier while driving their children to private school. This tidbit of racism should keep most of them satiated until later tonight when they can turn to their favorite conservative news source for further marching orders.
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