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Archive for July, 2009

Newly Single Man Realizes He Hates Cats

Friday, July 31st, 2009

Following the breakup from his girlfriend of 3 years, newly single man discovers that he actually can’t stand cats. “I can’t believe I put up with the hairballs and clawing for the 2 years I lived with that bitch,” mused the newly single guy. He enjoys not having to remove cat hair from his clothing every morning, stepping in cat puke in the middle of the night and most importantly…NO FUCKING LITTERBOX!

The newly single guy is so anti-cat that moved into an apartment complex that doesn’t allow pets. It’s mostly men living there but it’s still better than getting cat ass in your face every morning.

posted by hedley

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Study: Sunbeds as harmful as cigarettes

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

Finally, a new way to look cool and get cancer without the smell.

posted by hedley

Source: CNN

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Mom from heavan worried about son’s masturbating

Monday, July 27th, 2009

Former living mother worried that son is masturbating too much. “I wish he would remember that we’re watching over him in heaven”, stated the former living mother.

Apparently, the young man forgot his bible teachings and gives his relatives that reached the great beyond a major yankfest every morning and, typically, at bedtime also. This behavior has increased since his recent divorce. “I remember the days he and that she-devil would go at for 2 hours”, lamented the deceased mother from heaven.

His great-great-grandfather is not surprised as he used to “circle the wagons” daily when he was a youth.

posted by hedley

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Astronaut Sees ‘Effects of Human Destruction of Earth’

Monday, July 27th, 2009

The astronaut noted this from the 25 billion dollar International Space Station built from multiple space shuttle launches that consume 700 tons of hydrogen per launch.

posted by hedley

Source: Fox News

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Invention Lets Pregnant Women Hold Plastic Models of Their Unborn Babies

Friday, July 24th, 2009

The plastic fetus is going to look great next to the plastic dolphin and penguin I got at the zoo when I was 12.

posted by hedley

Source: Fox News

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Facebook users realize fringe relatives and old schoolmates are boring

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009

Many users have equated finding old friends on Facebook to pissing yourself. It feels nice and warm at first but soon turns cold and smelly. As a result, Facebook users have turned to “cutesy” applications to distract themselves from the boredom of reconnecting with fringe relatives and old schoolmates they lost contact with in real life because they couldn’t hold their interest. Now instead of communicating with that guy you sat next to in homeroom for 4 years, you can pretend you are a gangster or even a farmer.

There are some users who are eagerly waiting for the time machine application. It will allow you to remember why you stopped communicating with certain people and how not having them in your life wasn’t a bad thing. Until then, users will have to rely on their memory.

Posted by Hedley

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Two off-duty firefighters save child from burning car

Monday, July 20th, 2009

Local officials rushed to hold a press conferences so they could capitalize on the nearly tragic events over the weekend. The Milwaukee Police Chief was especially thankful for the opportunity to appear on TV with a feel good story after recent news of his affair with a local reporter had soured his reputation.

posted by hedley

Source: WTMJ Milwaukee

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Editorial: NASA releases photos proving the moon landings…or does it?

Friday, July 17th, 2009

NASA released photos today from their Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter showing proof that astronauts walked upon the moon. You would think this would silence the conspiracy theorists but I know it won’t. How do I know this? The Holocaust.

There are people who deny the Holocaust ever occurred. They ignore photos, videos and personal testimonials that confirm it happened. Just like the moon landing conspiracy theorists, I’m sure they say it was all a fabricated lie. However, there is a big difference between the moon landings and the Holocaust – You can actually visit the camps! They freakin’ offer tours. You can see proof positive that they exist. You don’t need a rocket ship…only a passport.

Does any of this surprise me? No. Most people are willing to accept certain truths and facts without one shred of evidence. Hell, they even kill over it.

posted by hedley

Source: NASA

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Space station crew cleans up for visitors as Endeavour nears

Thursday, July 16th, 2009

One of the American astronauts hid empty pizza boxes in the Columbus module while a Russian cosmonaut hid a space suit reeking of bong water in the Zvezda module. Both ISS residents were extremely pissed as this wasn’t their week to do cleaning.

posted by hedley

Source: CNN

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